It’s time I gave back. You know? I take a look at my life and all that this blog has given me, and I think, “Geez man, stop being a take machine.”
After careful deliberation I have decided that the best way I can benefit the world is to explain to young men what the teenage girl is thinking.
By, what the teenage girl is thinking, I mean... what knowledge, specific to teenage girls, I have been able to acquire in 31 years of life. Please comment if you have actually figured out teenage girls. I will pay. Comment on my blog.
The reason I feel like this is my best contribution to mankind is because teenage girls are both pure chaos and ultimate simplicity. You will never be able to know what they are thinking, but the first thing you should always say to them is, “You are so unique.”
To all the old guys reading this blog trying to learn how to pick up teenage girls, fuck you man. Just go get a Camero and get off my blog. You guys make me sick. I have your IP address now asshole. Be careful. But, seriously, whoever you are, please comment on my blog.
…Wait…I am getting an urgent message…
(Is this for sure?)
(Seriously?)
(‘Cause my job is on the line here. I could get violent.)
I am told that LiberalHaven is about to break a big story. A personal email, from Jesus Christ to Christian Coalition President, Roberta Combs has been acquired by site staff:
To: Christlike01@ChristianCoalition.org
From: TheGr8I@m.god
Title: Let’s look on the bright side of life
Bobby. Baby. You never return my emails anymore. I am worried about you. Trust me, I like Obama. Everything is going to be ok. You need to stop trying to look at the part of him that is white and start looking at the part of him that is black. Did you know that lots of black people hate gay people? Dare I say it, maybe more than you do?
Seriously, let’s get down to copper rivets here. You guys are not doing enough to beat back the abomination of all abominations. I don’t care what else is going on. Let’s focus people. Have you turned on the TV lately? Will has a new show. I don’t know if he is gay it in, but it makes me think of Will & Grace, and that’s bad enough.
I know, I know, I said rap music was from the devil. But have you listened to it at all? They seem fine with shooting faggots on sight. I say, let’s clear out the queers, and then put focus on attaining our white heaven. Are you with me? Aren’t you supposed to be?
I think you know what I am saying. I hate gay people. I mean, I really hate them. It like… makes me want to throw-up, when I think about them kissing. You should hate them too. Did you know that if gay people get to marry, eventually, aids will be in tap water? My dad told me that.
Christ Out
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Top Ten Hardest things about Writing a Brilliant Blog.
10. It doesn’t help that poor, poor young lady get out of Sierra Leone, no matter how much money I send.
9. You really start to get an idea of just how hard celebrity can be. Get out of my trashcans people!
8. This girl at my old work got three weeks paid time off, and I thought carpal tunnel meant she broke her wrist on the keyboard.
7. If I really thought about it, I’d say it’s when spell check doesn’t have the answer and I have to use Google.
6. Have you ever slept in vomit?
5. Sitting your kid down in front of the computer and slapping him hard enough to make sure he knows not to touch it.
4. If you brag a little bit the hookers will just think you are trying to tell them you like butt plugs.
3. Are we all going to go blind from looking at computer screens all day? Is there some kind of class-action lawsuit I can get in on?
2. It says brilliant right in the title, of course that is going to be hard
1. Have you looked at how much porn there is on the internet? There is a lot
9. You really start to get an idea of just how hard celebrity can be. Get out of my trashcans people!
8. This girl at my old work got three weeks paid time off, and I thought carpal tunnel meant she broke her wrist on the keyboard.
7. If I really thought about it, I’d say it’s when spell check doesn’t have the answer and I have to use Google.
6. Have you ever slept in vomit?
5. Sitting your kid down in front of the computer and slapping him hard enough to make sure he knows not to touch it.
4. If you brag a little bit the hookers will just think you are trying to tell them you like butt plugs.
3. Are we all going to go blind from looking at computer screens all day? Is there some kind of class-action lawsuit I can get in on?
2. It says brilliant right in the title, of course that is going to be hard
1. Have you looked at how much porn there is on the internet? There is a lot
Monday, January 26, 2009
An Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh
Dear Sir,
My name is Seth Millican. I am president of two fairly renowned Kool-aid appreciation societies. You may have heard of KAD, Kool-aid Drinkers? That one got pretty big. Anything?
Anyway, I heard what you said on The Daily Show. I know you didn't actually say it on The Daily Show, but it was where I heard it. I must admit, I missed its original airing. I assume it was some sort of Christian Coalition webcast, or something?
Well, sir, in that statement, you said Republicans that publicly support President Obama are simply too scared to openly wish he would fail (like you do). You continued to say, "They're drinking the Kool-aid... they're afraid of being called racists." Now, I know that you did not create the phase but it has long been held out-of-bounds by decent society. To infer that there are any negative implications from drinking Kool-aid is pure bigotry. I hope I can trust you have not been swayed by those obesity awareness groups. You must hate them as much as I do. I don't know, because I really hate them. Did you know that there are laws in most states that limit the amount of Kool-aid sold for personal use? But, I can definitely see why you would hate them also. This is the perfect kind of thing for us to use as a bridge to our partnership in tolerance.
Just what is wrong with drinking Kool-aid? Kool-aid drinkers have long since put that wicked stereotype behind us. Kool-aid won't kill you. It won't turn you into a mindless conformist. You know, we were finally past that whole, ugly Heaven's Gate thing. Then we somehow got mixed in with Michael Jackson. I know, that you know, that he used wine, but you would be surprised. But now, here you come bringing the whole thing up again? Could you please stop?
I am going to put the obvious racial sentiment aside. I am white. I love Kool-aid. You mix it with tap water. Here is tap water, wait, mix... sugary goodness. Why is that only a black thing?
I think you know what I am saying.
I feel pretty good about this correspondence. You may even be interested in joining KAWF. Kool-aid World Federation. Just email me at Koolaid15@aol.com. Did you know that Kool-aid is not only the best way to enjoy prescription pills but also to transport them?
Thanks,
Seth Millican
My name is Seth Millican. I am president of two fairly renowned Kool-aid appreciation societies. You may have heard of KAD, Kool-aid Drinkers? That one got pretty big. Anything?
Anyway, I heard what you said on The Daily Show. I know you didn't actually say it on The Daily Show, but it was where I heard it. I must admit, I missed its original airing. I assume it was some sort of Christian Coalition webcast, or something?
Well, sir, in that statement, you said Republicans that publicly support President Obama are simply too scared to openly wish he would fail (like you do). You continued to say, "They're drinking the Kool-aid... they're afraid of being called racists." Now, I know that you did not create the phase but it has long been held out-of-bounds by decent society. To infer that there are any negative implications from drinking Kool-aid is pure bigotry. I hope I can trust you have not been swayed by those obesity awareness groups. You must hate them as much as I do. I don't know, because I really hate them. Did you know that there are laws in most states that limit the amount of Kool-aid sold for personal use? But, I can definitely see why you would hate them also. This is the perfect kind of thing for us to use as a bridge to our partnership in tolerance.
Just what is wrong with drinking Kool-aid? Kool-aid drinkers have long since put that wicked stereotype behind us. Kool-aid won't kill you. It won't turn you into a mindless conformist. You know, we were finally past that whole, ugly Heaven's Gate thing. Then we somehow got mixed in with Michael Jackson. I know, that you know, that he used wine, but you would be surprised. But now, here you come bringing the whole thing up again? Could you please stop?
I am going to put the obvious racial sentiment aside. I am white. I love Kool-aid. You mix it with tap water. Here is tap water, wait, mix... sugary goodness. Why is that only a black thing?
I think you know what I am saying.
I feel pretty good about this correspondence. You may even be interested in joining KAWF. Kool-aid World Federation. Just email me at Koolaid15@aol.com. Did you know that Kool-aid is not only the best way to enjoy prescription pills but also to transport them?
Thanks,
Seth Millican
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Double Jeopardy
I was walking my dog through the apartment complex when I came upon a man in a mesh tank top. By now, you have probably already surmised that he was a black man.
We had a nice conversation. I commented on his shirt and he gave me surprisingly detailed directions to the store where he bought it. The whole time we were talking I was thinking back to college and the paper I wrote on Double Jeopardy. The feminist theory that proposes (is there really any doubt) that black women have two social strikes at birth. If that is true, then doesn't a gay black man also have two? A fucking black lesbian is out already.
There is a tangible dislike of homosexuality in the black community. So, a black man, with all the social challenges that entails, also has to deal with the seething hatred that is (while no means universal) very real in his own community. Plus white people hate gay people too. This may surprise you, but there are many of them that don't like black people either. Maybe even worse are the white people who are destructively ambivalent about black people and religiously fueled to hate gay people. I really hate them. So, gay black guys are screwed.
I was thinking all this as I was talking to him, so I asked him what he thought.
I explained my theory that people's hatred of gay people, while truly rooted in the basic hatred of that which is different, hinges on the belief that homosexuality is a lifestyle and not an orientation. He was fluent in feminist theory and we discussed double jeopardy at length. He agreed that the gay black male is doubly prejudiced but said, "Hot cock is definitely worth it."
So, there's that.
We had a nice conversation. I commented on his shirt and he gave me surprisingly detailed directions to the store where he bought it. The whole time we were talking I was thinking back to college and the paper I wrote on Double Jeopardy. The feminist theory that proposes (is there really any doubt) that black women have two social strikes at birth. If that is true, then doesn't a gay black man also have two? A fucking black lesbian is out already.
There is a tangible dislike of homosexuality in the black community. So, a black man, with all the social challenges that entails, also has to deal with the seething hatred that is (while no means universal) very real in his own community. Plus white people hate gay people too. This may surprise you, but there are many of them that don't like black people either. Maybe even worse are the white people who are destructively ambivalent about black people and religiously fueled to hate gay people. I really hate them. So, gay black guys are screwed.
I was thinking all this as I was talking to him, so I asked him what he thought.
I explained my theory that people's hatred of gay people, while truly rooted in the basic hatred of that which is different, hinges on the belief that homosexuality is a lifestyle and not an orientation. He was fluent in feminist theory and we discussed double jeopardy at length. He agreed that the gay black male is doubly prejudiced but said, "Hot cock is definitely worth it."
So, there's that.
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