Armageddon! What, now?

This blog has lit a firestorm.

Listen up. I can’t stop bringing my public the up-to-the-minute news that they require. My blog is not all serious news. I am the first to admit it. But, when it breaks, I have an obligation to report it. I cannot help that nobody reads this blog. That is beyond my control. You know what is within my control? Breaking stories. What do you need to break stories? Hard work, that’s what.

But because of all the controversy, I am going to tread lightly here. This is a real news story that happens to touch on a very sensitive subject. I can’t help but break it in half.

Sir Edmund Philip was the greatest mime in all of Minnesota. He was highly regarded as the greatest mime ever from the Twin Cities and much of the surrounding area. Many times, while performing “Walking off a Building” on a street corner, women, of all creeds, fainted from fright.

Eddy Philip was born in Newark, New Jersey in 1967. It is said that Eddy’s first word was his last. As Eddy’s Mother, Charlotte, whom I called at what she described as an obscene hour, remarked, “Edmund was the perfect child. We had no need for a play pen, those little fences or, really, even to watch him at all. He would sit in the middle of the room pretending he was trapped in a box.”

Little Eddy moved to St. Paul when his father, Edward, got a high paying position in St. Paul’s sanitation division. When Edward went on his site inspections he always took Edmund, who would mime on every corner his father passed.

Eventually, as all mimes do, Sir Edmund Philip fell in love with a deaf girl. Theirs was a love that is to be envied. Little Eddy was not so little anymore.

(I have lots of pictures of Edmund, all through his life. Comment on my blog and I might send you some. I don’t dare post them, lest my blog be overrun with faggots. You know how they are. )

Sidney went deaf at the age of six months. Her mother was carrying her through a music store and accidentally dropped her on a Nigerian Cymbal.

Sidney literally ran into Eddy’s life.

Edmund was performing “Watch Me Stretch Reality as You Know it” in front of the Metropolitan Stadium, before kickoff of the last game ever held there. Sidney White had tickets and was late for the game and her date. It was just another hearing guy that her friends paired her up with. They were all going to booze it up in the top deck suite, and he was the “understanding” guy they always brushed her way. Let her be a second late, and she knew all her hearing friends would spend the entire night discussing the injustice of our society that simply will not accommodate the hearing impaired.

Sidney ran square into Edmund. They both went sprawling, but in the second that their bodies collided, Sidney felt the heat of love and saw, in Edmunds eyes, that he was worried about her landing awkwardly.

They married and had seven kids (no mimes if you can believe it). They lived and worked in the Twin Cities their entire lives. In 1991, the year the Twins won the World Series, Edmund’s “Puckett Swing” routinely hauled in $500 a night.

Sidney, after years of silence, began to hear hums and whispers in 1999. It was the miracle of all miracles. Doctors from all over the country clamored to examine her. One doctor, Dr. Stein, impressed Sidney. Dr. Stein is a man that tells the truth. It is said that Dr. Stein took the MCAT twice, because he saw the boy next to him mark the answer to #35 the first time.

Eventually, Dr. Stein announced that because of the amazing regeneration in the inner ear canal, Sidney would slowly be able to hear more and more. Dr. Stein’s date for full auditory regeneration? 9/11/01.

Edmund had a meeting in the World Trade Center that was going to take his act worldwide. He brought Sidney so they could celebrate her new world of hearing. She was exploring Times Square when the planes hit.

This is the letter Edmund sent to Sidney before he jumped from the 43rd floor: (My wife’s brother worked for the firm that was hired to scan all the letters into a database and distribute them to the intended parties. He kept a bunch of them on his laptop in order to close the deal with chicks, with surprisingly good results).

Dearest Sidney,


That space was my hands forming a pulsing heart in my chest. You have seen it before. I love you. I wish that you could have heard my voice. I was going to surprise you and speak tonight. I was going to take you to a fancy dinner and over dessert tell you that I love you. I wanted my first words, in a very long, long time to be the first words you hear clearly.

Be careful with those in-your-ear headphones, the kind they use with i-pods. They seem harmless but they can really mess up your ears. Don’t sleep with them in.

Now, “Walking off a Building”, one last time for you my love.

Yours, Ed